My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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