The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
