Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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