i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
