dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
