She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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