You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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