I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
