bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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