Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
