So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
