i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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