my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
