I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
