Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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