The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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