Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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