Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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