dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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