I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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