maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
