i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Randomize
