now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
