did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
