I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
