i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
