I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i dont even know how to be here
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
