I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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