At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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