whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
