New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
