It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
