We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
