he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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