Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
