I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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