The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
