Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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