His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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