Need sex. Gaining weight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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