tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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