I accidentally burped into my bong.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This show inspires me to have sex in space
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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