I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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