Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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