if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
