You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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