you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
