and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
