Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
