I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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